I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Thinking is good but it can become too much to keep in your head so I thought I’d write something down again – I know it’s been a while. Not my usual writing style, more reflective, but I still hope it can make you think and maybe challenge you a little. Who knows? Anyway, here we go…
Perhaps it’s just me that deceives myself into thinking that I know myself well enough to be able to predict what I will do, how I will react or what I will think in any situation. The truth is, I learn things about myself all the time; I don’t have a fully formed philosophy and sometimes it is difficult to be at peace with this, to be at peace with things I’ve done in the past that conflict with who I am now or even who I want to be.
At some point in everyone’s life we realise we’re not the same people as our parents – we don’t share the same opinions, we don’t vote for the same politicians, we don’t have the same philosophies. This is fine, we’re all different people and this is something that should be embraced. I’ve known this for a long while but taking the next step and really taking control of my own life is something that I still struggle with. It is far easier said than done to take a step back from other people’s opinions and become the person that you want to be, to live the life you want to live. I am, by no means, there on this one.
So how does one cope with the internal conflicts of living a life that’s different to what’s expected by friends, family, social constructs and even oneself? Well I wish I knew a quick fix for that one, but the reality is that I don’t have an answer. For me, now, I try my very best to discover myself and to take those steps to realising what’s important to me. This does involve a lot of thinking, which is inconvenient at best but I’m getting there. As for the feelings of regret and apprehension about the past and future, I try to focus on my faith, but this is far easier said than done.
Who am I? I don’t know. But I am doing everything I can to find out.